Survivors' Blog

Nobody can better understand what you face — as a victim of domestic abuse or sexual assault — than those who have lived through it. Here you will find the stories of people from all walks of life — the challenges they faced, the fears they lived with and the courage they found. They are survivors who have changed their lives for the better. You can too. Submit a Blog

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Remain Anonymous: yes

Story: If there wasn’t a God I would not have made it through what I made it through. My story begins with me being adopted by my mother’s husband when I was about a year old. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abused by him for about 12 years. I remember being told I was worthless, bad, stupid, no good, dumb, and that I would amount to nothing. Looking back now I could almost laugh in his face. Along with the abuse I was afraid to tell my mother thinking she would not believe me. When I finally told her it was worse. She believed but she wanted to know if it was "really that bad," if I really needed to tell someone. I lived with shame and guilt and anger for years because she didn’t think it was that bad. He only went to jail for 6 months and probation for 10 years and my mother stayed with him and made me move back in with him. Sometimes the justice system fails us. He continued to cut me down and make sexual comments to me but he couldn’t touch me anymore so I was fine in my mother’s eyes and when I sobbed and acted out in anger she "didn’t understand what was wrong with me." For the next few months I hid in my room and only went out in the house when I needed to eat or when he was gone. I didn’t actually get any professional help for another 5 years. When I finally started to go to counseling it was the hardest thing I had ever done. The deep-seated feeling of shame and guilt and disgusting secret pain I felt was sooo overwhelming I could barely function in everyday life. So I started praying that God would give me the strength to get through this and that someday I would be happy and free and peaceful and I promised to love him always if he would get me through this. Over the next few years I had to face pain that was worse than the abuse itself. I had to face how I actually felt about myself and I had to work my butt off to try to change that. I had to accept what was done to me and that just because I was abused didn’t mean that I was abuse or that I was going to be abusive. I lived with the terror that I might someday do to someone what had been done to me. I took me years to accept myself and tons and tons of remembering and feeling the same feelings I felt as a child and it was and still is at times sooooo terrifying that I would sometimes vomit from what it made me feel. But it was all necessary. The more I would feel the easier it would get to accept and let go. So I started to feel lighter, younger, free, more hopeful, and I could finally trust again and love more deeply the people I loved and show affection without feeling disgust. The more I would pray the more loads of memories would come and I would feel sick and bad for a while but when the flood of emotions would come I would talk to my counselor and she would reassure me that it was good to feel these horrible things and she would give me hope and understanding and she made me feel special and loved and that I would be a healed, healthy happy person. I still have floods of emotions and I still am in counseling. It has been 4 years. This type of healing takes a long, long, long time and I hope sometime soon I can be completely rid of the guilt and shame that was soo imbedded in me. But I know one thing for sure that someday soon I will be peaceful, happy, and guilt and shame free.

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Remain Anonymous: yes

Story: My parents abuse me throughout my childhood.

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